Beware the Ides of March… March 15, 2010
Posted by EDW in Rants.Tags: books, Ides of March, Jackie Chan, Julius Caesar, movie quotes, Movies, pet peeves, Shakespeare
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Today marks the day that Julius Caesar got stabbed to death by a bunch of folks, including his good buddy, Brutus. Which makes me think of my pet peeve. And, no, I don’t mean getting stabbed in the guts by a group of conspirators which includes my best friend, although that would definitely suck. (Off-topic: I have a friend whose pet peeve is the words “pet peeve”.)
I remember reading Shakespeare’s version of those events in high school and shivering with delight over the soothsayer’s spooky warning to “Beware the Ides of March.” And because I am a huge nerd that is tempted to mix literary allusions into my conversations, I thought, Oooh, Ides of March. That’s a good one. I can tell people to ‘Beware’ every March fifteenth. I’ve never actually done this, though. Because I’m aware that it would make me the bookworm version of the person who quotes movie dialogue at you and then laughs uproariously. What’s up with that, anyway? If you’re that person, stop. Especially if you think you can do the accent. You can’t. The only person who can do funny accents is my brother. Also, you might think your movie quote is apropos, but it’s not. Sorry. Just say something someone else hasn’t already come up with.
The worst part about having a friend that habitually quotes movie dialogue is that I haven’t seen most of the movies they’re referencing. Maybe if I saw more movies I’d be one of those people. But I don’t, and I’m not. So that means when I’m talking with Person X about not getting into grad school and then Person X screws up their face and delivers a non-sequitur in a fake Asian accent, I don’t know how to respond. Usually I smile and shuffle uncomfortably, and then say, “Um…what?” And then they say, “Jackie Chan, man. Didn’t you see Kung Fu Professor?”
No. I didn’t.
So consider this your Ides of March warning: I don’t get your movie quote. And even if I do, I’m going to pretend I don’t.
C’est la vie….. February 20, 2010
Posted by EDW in Life, Musings, Rants.Tags: blogging, Humor, Life, thoughts. crisis of faith
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Sooo….um….about that last post? Yeah. Not so much.
In case you couldn’t tell, that was a big ol’ hissy fit. Which turned into a two-day pity party, where I was the guest of honor, and single attendee. What can I say? I am a drama queen. I would have made a wonderful actress. Like a 1940s actress with really great hair and red lipstick and lots of brilliant, cut-you-to-the-bone monologues. Sometimes, when I’m having a fight with my husband I say the most wonderful, melodramatic things. And I think, why isn’t anyone writing this sh*t down? This is some good drama! I mean, really, because I can seriously pour it on.
Also, I still believe in God. The whole thing was sort of the equivalent of throwing my cocktail in God’s face and storming out of the restaurant all huffy and indignant and insulted. By the way, have any of you ever thrown a drink in anyone’s face? I have. It’s actually QUITE satisfying. I can highly recommend it as an alternative to violence.
So, yeah. Recant, recant, recant.
And let the good times roll.
A Second Open Letter to President Obama, Congress, Policymakers, and Whoever Else is Getting a Say in the So-Called Health Care Debate September 7, 2009
Posted by EDW in Polictics, Rants.Tags: congress, health, health care, insurance, Life, Obama, Politics, Thoughts
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Dear Sirs, Madams, Misguided Megalomaniacs, and Robots:
This is the second letter I have addressed to you. In the first letter, I was kind enough to clarify for you the task at hand, since you all seem so confused about what it is, exactly, that you are supposed to be doing. And since I am, after all, your employer (with the exception, maybe, of the Robots), I was trying to be fair, to give my “slow” employees a chance to catch up and discern what it is I am asking of you. But you still don’t seem to get it.
So pour yourself a cup of coffee, have a seat, and let me break it down for you again.
Needless to say, I am less-than-impressed with your work performance. You were hired to be problem-solvers. You all went to fine schools, you all play golf with the people you need to be tee-ing up with in order to affect real change in America. And yet this morning I switched on NPR and learned that all of you are still (still!) dickering about the particulars of the “reform” you claim to be attempting. This isn’t reform, guys. It’s business as usual, and I’m still not fooled.
The radio broadcaster was doing her best to try and explain what it is you are all hung up on- something about preventing health insurance companies from denying coverage to people with pre-existing conditions, and making health-care coverage affordable for all Americans. All that sounds very altruistic (albeit fustian)- and maybe some of your other bosses are tricked into thinking you are actually accomplishing something by decorating it with big words- but not this one.
Americans don’t need affordable health-care coverage. We need affordable health care. Period. Health insurance is supposed to be for those “what-do-you-mean-I-need-a-liver-transplant?” moments, not for routine bodily maintenance. It should not cost a person hundreds of dollars to have a bone re-set, to get a mole removed, to treat their acne, to diagnose their phlegm-y cough. This is the problem: that the cost of health care is so high that the merest ailment can send working Americans into a financial Vortex of Despair. It’s not just absurd, it’s wrong. That’s the problem. Fix that.
Here’s how it’s supposed to work: Anyone who wants to can buy health insurance on the off-chance that they will someday suffer a serious disease or injury. Because the chances of such a thing are relatively slim, the insurance company profits, in essence, off that person’s continued good health. In the meantime, when that person gets a cold or accidentally puts his arm through a window while installing his mini-blinds, he can go to the doctor and pay for the patch-up in full. Maybe- if his budget is tight- he forgoes his chicken dinner on Friday, or waits until payday to replace the glass, to compensate for the unexpected expense of stitches. But he never, never has to deliberate whether or not the injury justifies the expense while his arm bleeds all over the carpet.
Sirs and Madams, you are supposed to be the good guys. You were hired to protect our interests in the face of predatory greed, among other things. What is going on? Why aren’t you doing that? It really isn’t as complicated as you’re making it seem.
Next time you’re playing golf with one of those insurance company CEOs, just tell them straight. Tell them they’re going about it all wrong. Tell them you’re very sorry, but things are going to be drastically different, and it may mean their third vacation home in Tobago will get foreclosed on. Tell them you have to do the right thing, tell them your boss told you so.
And then tell the doctors.
Unhappily Yours,
The Boss
An Open Letter to President Obama, Congress, and Corprorate Leadership August 10, 2009
Posted by EDW in Polictics, Rants.7 comments
Dear Abovementioned Sirs, Madams and Conglomerates,
None of that stuff y’all are doing right now is going to make an iota of difference, and I, for one, am not fooled. Quit wasting time rearranging words on paper! It’s time someone stood up and had the courage to address the real problem with the American medical system: Greed. Which of you will be first to speak the truth- that to profit outrageously from the application of medical care to sick or injured people is fundamentally wrong. Naturally, I recognize that doctors and hospital administrators need to feed their families and pay their mortgages, just like everyone else. But why should their ability to facilitate physical healing command such a price? Is it more essential than, say, farming? But real farmers and ranchers can barely eke out a living in this country.
I admire the example set by the curanderos and curanderas of Mexico, healers who take whatever payment people can afford to give them, and render treatment regardless of a person’s ability to pay. Whatever you may think of their methods, my point is that they are not wealthy people; they view their talent as a divine gift. But I’m not really trying to pick on the doctors. Most of the doctors I’ve known have been generous, kind-hearted people, and have charged me modestly, if at all. It’s the combined cost of health and malpractice insurance, hospital visits, labwork, litigators and pharmaceuticals that make this problem impossible to solve without someone willing to stand up and say, “HEY! WE NEED TO GET A GRIP! THIS IS ABSURD! WE’RE BEING GREEDY JERKS!” I know, I know. Everyone wants a piece of the pie. Or pork. Whichever you prefer.
But all I want is to be able to afford my migraine medication. That’s all. I’m a healthy person. I go to the doctor one or two times a year at the most. The migraine pills are the only medication I take, and it isn’t even a daily medication. And I have health insurance. So how come it costs me sixty five dollars for four itty-bitty pills? Don’t you think you’re all being a little ridiculous? And there are people with much, much worse problems than that. Forget a pair of balls- grow a freakin’ heart!
Sincerely,
Your Boss
My Favorite Writer Hates Me January 16, 2009
Posted by EDW in Books and Writing, Life, Rants.Tags: books, creepiness, Humor, Life, Thoughts, writers, writing
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I would never do this to Joshilyn Jackson.
So, I’ve now read TWO books by Joshilyn Jackson, and have also been reading her blog, Faster Than Kudzu, which really cracks me up and also makes me think, “Gee, if I knew Joshilyn Jackson in real life, I’d probably really like her and we’d be friends, and we’d go out for nachos sometimes.” Except for one thing: Joshilyn Jackson apparently hates me. I have made TWO comments on her recent posts and NEITHER one has showed up on her blog! The first time it happened, I thought, oh, maybe she overlooked it by mistake, I’m sure she would never just NOT include my comments. But it happened again, and it can only mean that she has deliberately decided to OMIT my remarks. Which is like, way mean. Especially since the comments I made weren’t creepy. I totally didn’t even say anything about the Joshilyn Jackson voodoo doll that I cradle lovingly in my arms at night before kissing it gently on its brilliant little noggin and drifting off into Dreamland, where I AM Joshilyn Jackson, with best selling novels and groovy phraseology popping out of me. In fact, I absolutely abstatined from even mentioning the fact that I am currently a smidge obsessed with her. I didn’t even try to be clever or cute. I just said, you know, I like your blog, yadda, yadda, thanks for posting the tips for writers. Maybe she read my last post about her and was like, “Woah, that chick is creepin’ me out.” If so, THIS post is probably going to seal the deal. For eternity.
I’m going to go sit in an empty bathtub and drink myself into a puke-tastic stupor now.
REJECTED! By Joshilyn! Ouch, man. Very ouch.







Embarassed, Yet Again, By Other Christians November 23, 2009
Posted by EDW in Life, Musings, Rants, Social Commentary.Tags: Christmas, Holidays, Jesus, Life, making God cringe, religious intolerance, Thoughts
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What's sadder than this dead Christmas tree? Go Fish's Christmas song.
The holidays are again upon us, and so naturally, obnoxious, infuriating crap like this is being circulated via email and Facebook posts*. Someone- a Christian person who goes to our church, and probably considers themselves to be “liberal” and of a different class of Christian than your run-of-the-mill fundamentalist- sent this link to my husband, with a note that said something like, “Ha ha! This ought to get you in the spirit!”
Indeed!
Before I kick this rant into high gear, it is important for me to clarify two things. First, I am a Christian. Second, Christmas is my absolute super-most-favorite holiday ever. I’ve already been listening to (real) Christmas music (like the French Quarter Band’s Dixieland Christmas) for at least three weeks, much to my husband’s chagrin. That being said, I was first enraged, then embarrassed, and then saddened by Go Fish’s song in supposed celebration of Christmas. I’d love the opportunity to have a conversation with these guys. Here’s what I’d say to them: (more…)